Commence the Sexing
by Coldpockets
Summary: NaruSasu. Semi-AU, awhile after Sasuke comes back. "I'm pregnant. It's Hinata's child. Gai's going to help me decorate the nursery."


Title: Commence the Sexing  
Word Count: 1891  
Rating: T, for sexual references (M to be safe, I guess)  
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters herein contained. I only own the text.

So this fic, if you couldn't tell...is completely insane. It's like a crack fic, only not. Weird. I wrote it so I could get the excess humour out of my system. It's one of my favorites so far, I think. But there is some sex--not even lime quantity, really, but you might want to know. Enjoy. I know I did.

* * *

I think I'll tell him today. Maybe not, though. It really depends on whether the milk I had for breakfast—mm, milk and ramen**…**yum—was expired. I don't remember if I checked the date, and I certainly don't remember when I bought it. This could be a bad sign. Maybe it's a sign of my unluckiness. Maybe I won't tell him today. At least I know the ramen wasn't expired.

He's waiting at the bridge, but Sakura isn't there yet. Kakashi is probably still in bed, or masturbating to that nasty book. My stomach is still feeling okay, but I don't know if it will get worse later. He won't talk to me, just keeps staring at…well, at nothing I guess. I try to get him to look at me—_Teme, I'm pregnant. It's Hinata's child. Gai's going to give me a makeover_—but he doesn't do anything. I wonder about the merit of my statements and resolve to try them on Sakura whenever she shows up. Until then, I content myself with throwing rocks into the…thing. Body of water**. **Whatever.

When she shows up I proudly tell her—_I'm pregnant. It's Hinata's child. Gai's going to help me decorate the nursery_—but she just punches me and makes her way over to Sasuke. I think about what I told her, trying to figure out if it's different from what I made up earlier. Kakashi shows up with that book, and I eye it for stains. None. Oh, he's good. He smiles—or does he? Can you really tell with that mask on—and tells us we have a mission. I perk up at this news: a mission could stop the monotony, hopefully. But it's way too easy: something you'd give just-graduated-from-the-Academy brats, not jounin like us. There's something about groceries, but I don't really listen. I think about the repercussions for just disappearing, but I don't like to think of what Kakashi would do to me then. Probably something perverted, involving genitals and…and… do I want to know? Maybe kunai. Now there's a thought worth enough motivation to single-handedly save the entire village. I need my man-bits, really. I plan to use them someday**.** Maybe on Sasuke. But from the glare he shoots me, maybe not. Maybe I'll settle for someone else, like…well, there really is no one else, is there?

The mission is done by noon—which is saying something, considering we all convened at the bridge at 11:30. Ha, convened. Like a jury. Maybe we could convict someone of something. Yeah. We could sentence Ino for slutitude, and Sakura for bitchitude and Kiba for male-itude, since we'd only convicted girls. I cackle at this thought and Sakura glares at me. I duck her punch though, and hit her in the stomach. Or not the stomach, since she's crying, _Ah, my uterus! _Ah well, more Sakuras running around would just be bad for everyone's health. I spare a shudder for this thought, then push her over and run.

The ramen shop keeper all but shoves me into his stand. Well, maybe not. Maybe that was…well, I'll be damned, there's no one behind me. Fate then. It's fate for me to eat lunch here. I accept my fate with just a 'do your worst!' and seat myself at the bar. I tap my pocket to gauge how much money I have, then pull out all the money when I can't decide between enough for two and enough for five bowls. I have just enough for one, which makes me frown. Perhaps I should practice more…I seem to be getting rusty. I order a bowl, and wait impatiently for it to come while arranging my pocket lint into a cool design on the counter. Hey everyone, it's the Third's face!, I want to yell, but restrain myself. Maybe if it was someone else…like Orochimaru. We could put it on his wanted posters. This thought is so amusing I fall off the stool laughing. Sasuke, who happens to enter at that exact moment, glares and sidesteps my twitching form.

He sits next to me, which is either a good thing or a bad thing. I ready myself to yell 'Help, rape!' if he threatens my innocence. I don't see it as a problem, though, because he looks very likely to bolt out anytime. I wonder if my giggling is helping or hurting this tendency. Careful consideration reveals to me that I should probably stop if I ever want him to talk to me. He, however, seems even more surprised by my silence. Well fuck that. My bowl arrives and I dig in eagerly, mouth too full to protest when the man behind the counter sweeps away my lint face and puts it in the trash. True artists are never recognized for what they are anyway. Sasuke looks startled when I start talking to him, but that could be because of the liquid dripping out of my mouth**,** down my chin. Perhaps I shouldn't talk with my mouth full. Mama always said—well, no she didn't, did she? Sasuke responds that he is well, and I have to take a moment to wonder at him starting a conversation all by himself. But I started it, didn't I? Or did I? I shake it off to tell him about the epic battle with my front door this morning, ending, of course, with me standing victorious. He looks less than impressed, and I can't understand why. He mutters something that ends with dobe, and I have to launch myself at him to protect my honor. He rolls around with me on the floor for a moment before pushing me off with a blush. I feel something against my thigh and almost crack my face I smile so widely.

I throw money on the counter and drag Sasuke to my apartment—the dastardly door tries to prevent our entry, but in the end I prevail again—and sit him on the floor. My couch has mysteriously disappeared, if I had one to begin with, which I doubt. He won't look me in the eyes, and I ponder trying this morning's tactic again but end up just sitting next to him. _Sooooo_, I leer at him, but he just glares at me. I try again. _Sooooooo._

_What?!_ he snaps, narrowing his eyes at me. I grin at him, predatorily. The great Naruto stalks his prey, moving in for the kill…but he's staring at me and I struggle back to reality_. Soooooo_, I begin for a third time—though the first two were really just to get his attention—still grinning. _You liiiiikkke me, I liiiiikke you, and so we will now commence the sexing for our instant gratification_.

He looks at me as though I'm crazy, and I wonder when we will commence the sexing for our instant gratification. _Or maybe __just__ commence the nakeditity?_ I amend, seeing his look. It doesn't change. I try again. _Or maybe just the partial nakeditity?_ I ask. He seems to snap out of it. _Are you serious?_ he hisses angrily. I just look at him, confused. He growls, running a hand through his hair before moving closer. _I planned on doing this a different way_, he tells me, looking away. I give him a look that I hope conveys 'Do tell me more because I'm very interested but don't quite understand yet' but really probably only says 'Huh?'. _I was going to take you out for dinner_, he says, _and then tell you that I-I...well, think I might be in love with you_. I wonder where the extra words fit into my sexing plan, but decide maybe Sasuke thinks they're necessary. _That's okay_, I assure him. _I'm okay with this way. And now we both know we love each other. Yay_. I give a pitiful hand-dance, trying to cheer him up. He sighs, but moves even closer anyway. _Yeah_, he mutters. _I guess this works too_. I kiss him, because he is finally close enough and I have had enough waiting. He moans like an angry-but-partially-pacified cat when I stick my tongue in his mouth but really, there's too much spit all over and it's pretty gross. I try to ignore it, but my chin is now seriously wet, and so I have to pull away and wipe it with a shirt which was lying conveniently nearby.

Sasuke, when I turn back, is AWOL—maybe the couch teamed up with the dastardly door and kidnapped him—but I'm able to track him down using my super-advanced shinobi skills—meaning, of course, that I happened to spot him in the hallway beckoning to me. I follow with the uncoordinated stubs someone—once again, I suspect the door—seems to have replaced my feet with. We fall onto the bed in a heap, and I end up with an elbow to the jaw and knee dangerously close to my man-bits. I yelp and jump away, responding to the threatening stimulus like one of Pavlov's damn dogs, but only manage to hit my head on the wall. Sasuke smirks—before pulling me back to the bed.

Sex, really, is not quite what I expected. It's really fast, and over before I know it. I can barely savor the new feelings before they're over and all I'm left with is a sticky mess and a sleepy Sasuke. I try to lay down with him, but the stickiness is very distracting, so I get up and fetch a dish cloth. When we are both wiped off satisfactorily, I lie carefully against Sasuke's back and put my arm around him. It's a little like sleeping with a Sasuke-shaped heater, and I end up kicking off all the covers and waking up every ten minutes sweating, but it's still good.

The next morning, Sasuke is mortified to see he's still in my bed—really he slept all afternoon and night, like he'd been exercising hard, and not even I'm egotistical enough to assume I'm _that_ good—but he doesn't seem that horrified, which is an important distinction. I check the milk—not expired yet, which is good, since I couldn't feed Sasuke expired milk—and manage to find something that isn't ramen in the cupboard—aplace there by the couch, I'm sure—and try to prepare the thing for Sasuke. It burns**. **Damn**.** So he's stuck eating instant ramen anyway, but hey, it's the thought that counts. He doesn't appreciate my pointing this out, actually, but I'm sure I'll be able to repair the window I had to jump out of next weekend. He dresses in the same clothes as yesterday—a fact that disgusts him only slightly less than the idea of wearing something of mine—and tries to kill me when he hears he doesn't have enough time to run home and change. The hole in my wall can be patched up later, too—it's just a good thing it wasn't me, when he caught me sniggering. Kakashi and Sakura look shocked to see us, but it turns out we have the day off anyway. Sasuke disappears immediately, so I take the opportunity to tease Sakura. _Hey Sakura, I'm pregnant. It's Sasuke's. Gai_—I only half finish the routine before I have to run away from her fist. I cackle the entire way around the village.


End file.
